Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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