I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
