we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
