I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
