Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
