rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
