someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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