I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
