eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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