I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
