I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
