Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
