smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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