clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
