I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
