2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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