A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
