So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
