Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
