I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
