Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
