Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize