8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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