I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
