i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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