she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
