perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
