I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
