I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
