just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She's the barista slut.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
