woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
How naked do you want me to be?
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