My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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