If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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