Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
zippers are such a cool invention
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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