I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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