Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
