I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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