good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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