I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
