I wish my penis had an off switch
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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