Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
