I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
