How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I faked an abortion last night.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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