Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize