I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
