You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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