omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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