my phone needs a breathalizer
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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