dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my sisters under your porch take her home
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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