Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
