I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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