you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
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