giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
