I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
