Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
