my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
