i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have tasted many bathrooms
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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