now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
