i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize