I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
