she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
