he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize