i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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