I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
