if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
another moral hangover. fuck.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
