the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
