hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
